Monday March 19th 2012, was a huge day. Monday was “viability day” for us. I turned 24 weeks pregnant. 24 weeks is the generally agreed upon point when a baby is considered ‘viable’. This means that should I go into labor the doctors will do everything to try to save the baby if they cannot stop labor. 22 weeks and younger a doctor will not try to resuscitate or save a baby born because the act of keeping it alive generally causes more harm to the baby and devastating disabilities. 23 weeks is a gray area and luck of the draw. I feel like I have lived in a ‘grey area’ for the past 24 weeks.
Monday was a day I held my breath for. It is one of the final ‘humps’ you want to get past as an infertile. If the baby came now things would still be scary and the baby could still be in a lot of trouble, but to know that the medical community would do everything in their power to save the baby, is extremely freeing.
Monday was a day that in the back of my mind I didn’t think I’d ever see. Not that I wasn’t hoping for the best, but I was also preparing for the worst. I would catch myself every time I would go to say “when the baby comes” and instead say “when/if the baby comes” which is a sad thing to have to say. As if to keep myself in check. Even now a random kick from the baby, and it still jolts me, ‘oh my god, there’s a baby in there.‘ Or I’ll look down at something and my protruding belly catches me off guard, ‘I’m pregnant, I haven’t miscarried, that’s my belly with a baby in it.‘
This is the dark side of infertility, this is what infertility does to you, steals from you. You’re ability to just ‘hope for the best’ and not worry too much about the rest. I can’t do that anymore.
But on Monday, I got to let the feelings of excitement and exhilaration at being pregnant have a little more freedom in my psyche. I’m trying more and more to embrace the joy of being pregnant. I don’t want to hold my breath until the baby comes. I realized just last night that in 13 weeks I will be considered full term. That is SO crazy. And so in spirit of embracing the excitement of this pregnancy, here are some joys I have had since being pregnant:
– We are waiting to be surprised to find out the sex of the baby, and so until then we call the baby “Spike” which is an inside joke we’ve had about naming our kids.
– Spike enjoys being sung to and I sing him a little song I made up and he always kicks me right when I finish singing it. Either he/she is telling me I’m an awesome singer, or is complaining about my being pretty tone-deaf.
– Jacob has started reading ‘The Classic Tales of Winnie the Pooh’ to Spike and after each story Spike kicks the crap out of me and is crazy active.
– When we made our registry Jacob was going through items and told me we forgot to register for a bottle warmer. I looked at him blankly for a minute, then pointed to my chest and said “it comes pre-warmed.” (I figure the one or two times a day Jacob wants to feed the baby I’ll just pump into a bottle and we don’t need a fancy bottle warmer for those few feedings.)
– I absolutely don’t mind people touching my belly. I thought I would, but I think it’s kinda cool, each time someone does it’s like another affirmation that there really is a baby in there.
– We recently went to Memphis and visited Graceland. I came home with an Elvis Onsie. Let the public embarrassment begin early!