So my all time favorite late night TV host is Dave Letterman. SHUT UP, he’s hilarious. Now, I haven’t seen his show in the longest time, oh since being a foster parent made me discover that any moment I can sleep is worth its weight in gold. YES, I know moments don’t “weigh” anything, but it’s the only metaphor I got. And now being pregnant the same rule applies, sleep=more important than bacon. I KNOW, I JUST SAID THAT, SOMEONE SMACK SOME SENSE INTO ME.
But, one thing I remember about Letterman’s show is that he would do this recurrent bit called “Stupid Human Tricks.” As it was aptly named, you can guess what the bit entailed. If not, click here for a lovely video. And I would watch these bits and wonder to myself ‘ohmigod, this is so dumb, I wish I could shake some sense into them!’
And that’s my theme for this post, incredibly stupid things I, as a pregnant-infertile have done, or at least one major one.
The number one rule when an infertile gets pregnant is that she is NOT allowed to complain in the slightest about her pregnancy symptoms. This is because as an infertile, you would hear or read about someone getting pregnant and they would be whining about morning sickness or something else. And while it might sound awful, to an infertile, to be suffering with terrible morning sickness would be a DREAM come true, because you would be pregnant. And so as an infertile whenever someone would yet again complain about their pregnancy symptoms, you the infertile would get stabby eyes at them. I’m not saying you can’t tell it like it is but to hear someone whine about how their unborn child is ruining their life because “OMG I’m getting stretch marks!” tends to make you want to scream.
So back to me, and the early weeks of pregnancy. And the stupid thing I did. I was finally pregnant, so excited and so scared out of my freaking gourd that it’s not going to last. And being a bit superstitious I didn’t want to complain for fear the baby-gods would hear me and end the pregnancy because I was ungrateful. So when all of a sudden LIGHTING was shooting down my back, I said NOTHING. TO ANYONE, not even Jacob.
Just walking, or bending, or breathing and I would have searing white-hot pain down my back and into my hip or leg. And I told noone. I of course ‘googled’ it and found out I was most likely experiencing “Pregnancy induced sciatica.” But not even that, and the recommendation that it would get worse if I didn’t seek physical therapy could convince me to tell someone.
Finally I doubled over one night from the pain and told Jacob, but I still didn’t want to call the doctor. I’m finally pregnant, and the infertile-pregnant mind works like this:
“When in fact you do become pregnant, DO NOTHING”
You just remain in a holding pattern, no changing your routine, no adding anything extra to your life, no relaxing now that you are finally pregnant. Because you know that you’re not ‘safe’ yet. This baby is not here yet and if there is the slightest chance you could screw it up by changing or doing something different then you will avoid that at all costs. This also includes, no creating a registry, no talking about names or anything about ‘when the baby gets here’.
I worried about if I did get physical therapy that the exercises, while safe, because they were new to me, could cause a miscarriage. I KNOW IT MAKES NO SENSE, I KNOW. Since when has anything I write make sense?
But I did finally call. My fear that the pain could induce a miscarriage outweighed my fear that physical therapy could. And yes, I did have ‘sane’ moments when I realized that if I was going to miscarry there was nothing this early in the pregnancy I could do, or not do, to prevent it. But the infertile mind is a crazy place.
Physical therapy did help, and the back pain went away until about a week ago. And, yes, I am going to call if it gets worse. The pain this time is different, my belly just popped out big time and is causing some back spasms but I am waiting to see if my body will adjust or if I need to go back to PT.
But you still worry. I’ve gotten better, I think. I agreed to make a registry, and we have talked about names (no we’re not telling, so don’t ask) but even those actions feel like I’m tempting fate. I’m 22.5 weeks pregnant, we’re not even to ‘viable’ status yet and here I am ‘flaunting’ my pregnancy by daring to make a baby registry. And then I tell myself to take a deep breath, hopefully this will all be ok.
And hopefully I will keep the ‘stupid pregnant-infertile tricks’ to a minimum.