No, I will not show you my uterus

Of all things, I have dreaded writing this post.  And it’s a post about the BEST thing ever.  If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, stick with me to the end of this post please.

So first the good news:

I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant as of the posting of this blog. Whew.  Just typing that my hands get all shaky.  We have wanted this for so long and we were completely surprised when it happened.

I am doing well and just starting to show.  And by “show” I mean it looks like I have a little gut from one too many potato chips.  Strangers probably think I am nuts because I pat my little gut and talk to it sometimes, and they probably think I am some drunk talking to my beer gut.

We have heard the heartbeat and even seen the tiny little life form  growing inside me on an ultrasound.  And now I know why they always label those things because I was all “OH MY GOD IT HAS A HUGE HEAD!”  And the nurse was all, “Um, yeah, that’s the yolk sac.” To which, in my mind, I scream “A WHAT?  I HAVE A YOLK SAC? OMG DO NOT PICTURE IT DO NOT PICTURE IT!”  But it was too late.  I was there, picturing egg yolks and chickens, and as I was still experiencing morning sickness and eggs made me sick, I got nauseas.

So we got sent home with two pictures, accurately labeled, so I could tell what was the baby, and what was not a baby.  And yes I did take biology and health in school, but I do not remember the ‘yolk sac’ lecture day. Though, tangent, in the seventh grade I fractured the third vertebrae in my neck doing a cart-wheel into a roll on the high beam and then falling off.  I missed like 2 weeks of school or something.  WHICH happened to be the time they were doing the ‘sex ed’ part of health class.  All I remember when I came back was my friend Sara telling me WIDE EYED that she wished she could have missed school too during that time.

And now why this post is difficult.

I know, so many of you, who are struggling with infertility.  Who have struggled longer than we have and who have faced more loss.  And even though I know you will be happy for me (I hope), I also know this will also cause sadness and pain for some.  I have been there.  Two of my fav bloggers got pregnant awhile back.  I was happy, I was thrilled, yet I was also sad and depressed.  I had to take a break for a few weeks before I could read them again.  I understand if that is the case for some of you.

There is no rhyme or reason to infertility.  We feel so incredibly blessed and lucky to be where we are right now.  Yet I know so many couples, equally deserving, who are not where we are, and who continue to struggle.

Over the next few weeks I will post some back-dated posts.  Things I wrote when we first found out, my 1st trimester experiences, etc.  This was never a blog strictly about infertility, and I hope you stick with me.  However, in an attempt to respect our journey to this point, and the journey of others, through infertility there are some things I will not do or post:

1) I will never post an ultrasound photo.  I know people do it, and by no means do I begrudge someone doing that.  But for me it was very hard to wake up one day and sign on to Facebook or open a blog and be smacked with the image of the inside of someone’s uterus as their way of ‘announcing’ a pregnancy.  It seemed impersonal and a little creepy.  I mean, my uterus is a reproductive organ, and as such I feel only my husband or trained medical professionals should see it (or close family or friends that ASK to see it).

2) Every blog post will not be about the fact that I am pregnant.  That’d just be ridiculous, how would I write about glitter and all the other important issues in my life?

3) I will not complain about my pregnancy symptoms, but I will tell it like it is.  There is a difference.

4) I will welcome any critique from fellow infertiles about my writing.  If I step over the line, go all preggo-gaga and offend someone, I want to hear about it.  And yes, I am still an “infertile.” By definition I will always be classified as an ‘infertile’.

I did not announce the pregnancy sooner via the blog for a few reasons.  The first was that we had a scare early on.  Things are ok, but we wanted to wait awhile longer after that before announcing.  And second we wanted to try to tell as many people personally as we could.  That took awhile and we still weren’t able to get to everyone to tell them.  And third, part of me, part of us, just wanted some time where it was just us, just me and hubby and tiny growing baby.  Infertility and fertility treatments can become so impersonal and also public. When you have to tell people why you are doing injections, why you have a doctor’s appointment every other day, why you don’t feel well ALL the time from fertility treatments.  We just wanted some time to be private, to process and contemplate before we put it all out there, which we are now very glad to be able to do.

Thanks to everyone who has wished us well, prayed for us, and have been there as a support.  We are so grateful to be where we are right now.