No, I will not show you my uterus

Of all things, I have dreaded writing this post.  And it’s a post about the BEST thing ever.  If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, stick with me to the end of this post please.

So first the good news:

I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant as of the posting of this blog. Whew.  Just typing that my hands get all shaky.  We have wanted this for so long and we were completely surprised when it happened.

I am doing well and just starting to show.  And by “show” I mean it looks like I have a little gut from one too many potato chips.  Strangers probably think I am nuts because I pat my little gut and talk to it sometimes, and they probably think I am some drunk talking to my beer gut.

We have heard the heartbeat and even seen the tiny little life form  growing inside me on an ultrasound.  And now I know why they always label those things because I was all “OH MY GOD IT HAS A HUGE HEAD!”  And the nurse was all, “Um, yeah, that’s the yolk sac.” To which, in my mind, I scream “A WHAT?  I HAVE A YOLK SAC? OMG DO NOT PICTURE IT DO NOT PICTURE IT!”  But it was too late.  I was there, picturing egg yolks and chickens, and as I was still experiencing morning sickness and eggs made me sick, I got nauseas.

So we got sent home with two pictures, accurately labeled, so I could tell what was the baby, and what was not a baby.  And yes I did take biology and health in school, but I do not remember the ‘yolk sac’ lecture day. Though, tangent, in the seventh grade I fractured the third vertebrae in my neck doing a cart-wheel into a roll on the high beam and then falling off.  I missed like 2 weeks of school or something.  WHICH happened to be the time they were doing the ‘sex ed’ part of health class.  All I remember when I came back was my friend Sara telling me WIDE EYED that she wished she could have missed school too during that time.

And now why this post is difficult.

I know, so many of you, who are struggling with infertility.  Who have struggled longer than we have and who have faced more loss.  And even though I know you will be happy for me (I hope), I also know this will also cause sadness and pain for some.  I have been there.  Two of my fav bloggers got pregnant awhile back.  I was happy, I was thrilled, yet I was also sad and depressed.  I had to take a break for a few weeks before I could read them again.  I understand if that is the case for some of you.

There is no rhyme or reason to infertility.  We feel so incredibly blessed and lucky to be where we are right now.  Yet I know so many couples, equally deserving, who are not where we are, and who continue to struggle.

Over the next few weeks I will post some back-dated posts.  Things I wrote when we first found out, my 1st trimester experiences, etc.  This was never a blog strictly about infertility, and I hope you stick with me.  However, in an attempt to respect our journey to this point, and the journey of others, through infertility there are some things I will not do or post:

1) I will never post an ultrasound photo.  I know people do it, and by no means do I begrudge someone doing that.  But for me it was very hard to wake up one day and sign on to Facebook or open a blog and be smacked with the image of the inside of someone’s uterus as their way of ‘announcing’ a pregnancy.  It seemed impersonal and a little creepy.  I mean, my uterus is a reproductive organ, and as such I feel only my husband or trained medical professionals should see it (or close family or friends that ASK to see it).

2) Every blog post will not be about the fact that I am pregnant.  That’d just be ridiculous, how would I write about glitter and all the other important issues in my life?

3) I will not complain about my pregnancy symptoms, but I will tell it like it is.  There is a difference.

4) I will welcome any critique from fellow infertiles about my writing.  If I step over the line, go all preggo-gaga and offend someone, I want to hear about it.  And yes, I am still an “infertile.” By definition I will always be classified as an ‘infertile’.

I did not announce the pregnancy sooner via the blog for a few reasons.  The first was that we had a scare early on.  Things are ok, but we wanted to wait awhile longer after that before announcing.  And second we wanted to try to tell as many people personally as we could.  That took awhile and we still weren’t able to get to everyone to tell them.  And third, part of me, part of us, just wanted some time where it was just us, just me and hubby and tiny growing baby.  Infertility and fertility treatments can become so impersonal and also public. When you have to tell people why you are doing injections, why you have a doctor’s appointment every other day, why you don’t feel well ALL the time from fertility treatments.  We just wanted some time to be private, to process and contemplate before we put it all out there, which we are now very glad to be able to do.

Thanks to everyone who has wished us well, prayed for us, and have been there as a support.  We are so grateful to be where we are right now.


10 responses to “No, I will not show you my uterus

  1. Hi – found you via the wordpress dashboard.
    Congrats on your pregnancy and on being almost 16 weeks along! Fingers crossed for a happy and healthy pregnancy!

  2. Mary Beth Foster

    I’m delighted, and hopeful, and scared for you. I feel like holding my breath for the next six months.

  3. i am a little offended when i read this and almost didnt say anything because apparently we all handle things differently. however it is not like me not to say something. i think that it is comical that you do not want to be smacked in the face with ultrasound pictures. you out of all people should think it is quite amazing to know something is growing inside you as “the miracle of life”. you make no sense when you tell people you dont want to blog about pregnancy , however you have managed to write all this time about not getting pregnant! you make no sense.

    • I do think it is quite amazing to have something growing in me, I didn’t say it wasn’t. What upsets an infertile person, and this is coming from more than just me, is having close family or friends, who know you are struggling and who will literally instead of telling you personally post an ultrasound pic that you come upon un-warned. You may not understand this, not having infertility issues, but it is very hard to be caught off gaurd like that. I also said ” by no means do I begrudge someone doing that”. So I’m not sure where you are upset? That for me personally I find ultrasounds private and special and that WE chose not to share them publicly? nor do i care if people choose to announce it that way, it’s just not for me.
      Also I wrote ONE post when I knew I was pregnant about infertility. And it was about how hard sometimes it is for an infertile person to deal with church messages as Christmas. That message was no easier for me being pregant. Being pregnant does not erase the almost 3 years of infertility and the loss of two embryos, which I lost on christmas day. Having cancer and being cured doesn’t make you LESS afraid of getting cancer or LESS worried that it might come back. You can’t expect infertile people to suddenly be “all better” and forget the hurt and pain of their past. And I did not say I did not want to blog about pregnancy. I said I would blog about it. But I also ackowledged that for a lot of people reading my blog that it would be harder for them to read it and that it may cause them some pain. Acknowledging that my good news may remind people of their inability to get pregnant and trying to be sensitive to that is my goal.

  4. Congratulations on your wonderful news! I’m not quite sure what nicole’s problem is – as someone still “not getting pregnant,” I appreciate your sensitivity and look forward to continuing reading your blog.

  5. Huge congrats on your wonderful news. I think you’ve shown an amazing amount of sensitivity and consideration in how you’ve approached this announcement and think you should take Nicole’s response with a grain of salt.

    ICLW #66

  6. Hi from ICLW! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes extremely well from here on out!

  7. Great post! Congratulations to you & your husband! My husband & I are coming up on 22 years of marriage and infertility. And while we are in our mid 40’s and that ship has sailed for us, I think your post was very sensitive. Best of luck and congrats again!

  8. Pingback: The other side of the coin | Metholic's Blog

  9. Pingback: How to freak out a pregnant woman | Metholic's Blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s