Ok, so today, and for like the past week, I have been freaking out a bit. Not like overtly-muttering to myself in public-twitching-snapping at random people-freaking out. More like that quiet freak out we all have in our mind over an issue that seems HUGE and quite dire.
And then today, of all things, this dumb post on Facebook snapped me out of it. But first the confession part.
So I don’t have a dress or skirt for Christmas. YES, I know, I have dresses or skirts. But the only appropriate one for Christmas Eve services at my husband’s church is the same one I wore last year. (Remember:Pastor’s wife, regardless of what you think, we are in fact judged by a large number of our Pastor’s parishioners. If you don’t believe that then I can write another post, just for you, entitled “And then I heard them whispering about my lack of attendance at church on Sundays because I DARED to work at another church.” ) Now before you think I actually care, I don’t, it’s human nature to gossip. I try not to, but I do it, we all do. And it’s human nature to look at people who are often in the spotlight, however unwillingly, and talk about them and make assumptions and judgements. I GET IT.
But every now and then, it gets to me. I feel like I need to be a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way. And thus the freak out. Do I wear the same dress I wore last year, and hope no one notices (I doubt many would remember)? Or do I drop $50-100 on a new dress that I may wear two or three times.
I think this is compounded by our infertility issues. And then I just lost you. Stay with me. I already feel like in the public arena that is ‘being a pastor’s wife’ I have failed the first two requirements of being said pastor’s wife. These two things are:
- I can not play the piano other than a crappy version of jingle bells
- I have failed to produce offspring
- oh, and ‘three’ I use the word “crappy”
And so the tiny issue of a dress enters my already self-conscious head and gets twisted around to the point of obsession.
And then there is my winter coat. I lost three buttons on it, and so feel like I look like a hobo. It’s also a little old and shows some wear and tear. So I was thinking now I needed a dress AND a new winter coat. And I priced those out and the price came to ‘ABSOLUTELY INSANE’. Since when does stuff cost this much?
And then I saw these two pictures in the same day (PLEASE PLEASE note, I do not view anyone at our churches this way, they really are all lovely people who try their best and support us, but the sentiment of the picture is what helped):
Seeing those images just metaphorically slapped me across the face. What do I care if I wear the same dress I wore last year? I love that dress. The only person I need to please is myself and myself will be darn pleased if I don’t spend money we don’t have on things I don’t really need. And if someone wants to talk about the dress I wore for TWO CHRISTMASSES IN A ROW, that’s fine, perhaps they’ll be kind enough to think how thrifty I am, not needing a new dress each year. My self-esteem is strong enough to not really care in the end what others think. And my coat, I HAVE A COAT. There are people who will spend this winter without one. And I can find some buttons and attempt to sew them back on.
And for once, I am thankful to Facebook which after barraging me with NON-STOP images of puppies, kittens, puppies with kittens, babies with puppies with kittens in a basket with a bow, and other images, that it finally gave me two images I truly got something from.
And now they’ll be talk about how I’m a ‘puppy hating kitten snubber’. Go ahead, I can handle it.
And while I’m on my soapbox:
Both my husband’s church, and mine, are trying to raise funds this Christmas for a program called “Kids Against Hunger”. Please check out the following links below to learn more. But essentially this program is getting kids vital food they need to survive. This food packet that this organization provides was used at Mission Guatemala, a mission my husband went on this summer. After one month of use in the preschool and elementary school there the children gained on average of 3.6 pounds and 0.59 inches in height. That was ONE MONTH of getting ONE nutritious meal a day.