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I have not written much about infertility issues lately. And the reason I haven’t is because there is nothing to write. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just this doldrummy (yes I just made that an adjective) place where I don’t really know what to do.
We are still in a ‘holding pattern’ if you will. There is nothing we can do right now, medically, to get pregnant.
In some ways it has been nice. No constant doctors appointments, no obsessing over every test result or symptom. To be told that for these past few months there was really nothing we could do was paralyzing yet also freeing.
I was able to get somewhat back to normal, going about life without a constant worry or fear. And it has been nice to actually enjoy October and November this year. Last year I was busy being a pin cushion injecting potent drugs into my system in our attempt at IVF. I can remember the awful task of having to willingly stab myself with a needle. If you don’t think that is a big deal I dare you right now to jab your finger in your eye. You won’t do it. It’s against one’s self-preservation to intentionally harm oneself. And the mental contortions/deprivations I had to do to make myself do that still give me the shudders.
Being foster parents also has helped. There is very little time to think about your own infertility when you are busy with a toddler and an infant. My days have revolved around potty, feedings, preschool, toy tractors and their various merits, legos, and being barfed on by a tiny infant whose capacity to spit up is only surpassed by her capacity to willingly shriek at the top of her lungs, just because she can. Thinking about infertility gets pushed aside when you have to actively try to remember if you brushed your teeth before getting everyone out of the house for the day.
We also planted a massive garden and that kept us busy most nights weeding and working in it and then harvesting and canning everything we grew. I will write another post on that with photos of our pantry which is now bursting at the seams.
But it still lingers. The infertility thing. It wasn’t a constant presence as in the past, more as it was a fleeting thought that caught me off guard. And anything and nothing can trigger it. Just going about my day, driving to work, falling asleep at night. A sudden thought, “we’re not able to get pregnant”, “I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to have biological kids.”
And it totally disarms you. My breath catches in the back of my throat and I have to will myself to let it go, to just give it up and reassure myself that we will get through this. We will try again.
This is all heavy on my mind given the year anniversary is approaching of when we started our first IVF attempt. How we went to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving but we had to make sure to leave by a certain time so we could get home to do my nightly injections. How in the first week of December they retrieved the eggs and we had such a good response despite the hell of OHSS that I went through. How we transferred two embryos and that first positive pregnancy test. And then how we got the call, that the second test levels had fallen. Meaning while I still felt pregnant, I would be miscarrying soon. And how lonely we felt when I miscarried Christmas Eve into Christmas Day. And how for a week after, I still felt pregnant complete with nausea and vomiting.
This is not, (though the last paragraph may seem like it), a ‘woe is me post’. This is post to tell you our life has been really full, really good. But that no matter what you do, when dealing with infertility, it never goes away. I have tried not to write about it because while we are in this ‘holding pattern’ of not being able to do any medical interventions I have tried not to dwell on it. To give myself permission to breathe.
But I can’t honestly tell you it’s been all rainbows and unicorns. And I wanted to update those of you who have been so kind as to message me and ask how we are.
We are well, our lives are busy, and we’ll keep going as we try to make a family in whatever way we can.
To catch up on our infertility journey: