A movie called: Seriously?! with the subtitle of: *#%$@*!
I have often lamented to my friends that I really wish my life was recorded on video. There are so many events that I would like to be able to ‘re-wind’ and watch.
The Valentine’s day ‘cigarette in my eye’ event I’d like to ‘watch’. Not the cigarette in my eye part, which was done by a careless woman gesturing with her cigarette and she flung it IN MY EYE. But for the part when my friend Noodle sat on my lap and sang me a song to make me feel better while Campus Police Officers flushed my eye with saline. There may have been an adult beverage or two involved in that incident, but not on my part, I was the designated driver that night. Which is hard to do when one of your eyeballs has been scorched. Or the myriad of events involving my debacles with my friend Laura, in which one, or both, of us end up injured. But I digress…
So as you all know, and if not re-read my older posts, Jacob and I have had a foster baby since she was a few days old. She is now a 10 month old, freakishly mobile, bundle of enthusiasm. Last Saturday she finally insisted on being allowed to climb the stairs. For about a month I had been, what in parenting lingo is called, “re-directing” her attention anytime she got near the stairs. “Re-direction” essentially means pick the kid up, move her toward a toy or something shiny and hope she falls for it. I wouldn’t even use the word “stairs” because I knew she would pick up on the slightest inflection in my voice and instantly know I did not want her there. Which would of course mean she would make it her life’s mission to go there.
So finally we caved and let her learn to climb the stairs. Like a duck to water. Sigh. I am not complaining, her being this mobile, this young, is incredibly exciting. And also exhausting. So this meant we immediately had to install baby gates. We had a bottom of the stairs one, and now we had to install a top of stairs one. For those who do not know this, top of stairs baby gates have to be permanently installed, i.e., screwed into the wall. This is because babies will pull and push on them. And if they are not installed securely baby takes a header down the stairs and you have a lot of explaining to do at the ER with the social worker.
So Jacob gets to work installing. He finishes, everything is screwed in place, and he calls me over to check it out. I look at the brackets that ‘catch’ the gate and lock it in place. I state my opinion that it appears he screwed the brackets on the wrong way. Jacob states his opinion that my opinion is invalid. I more strongly state my opinion and add that I would like him to just “try it my way” as it is just a couple of screws and he can easily do it.
I’m not saying I was being picky or nagging. But if I was what happened next will justify ALL pickiness and nagging for like the REST OF OUR LIVES.
So Jacob sighs, and grabs his drill, and unscrews the bottom screw. All of a sudden we are hit in the face with a stream of water.
WATER. INSIDE MY HOUSE, NOT COMING FROM A TAP. Shooting at a high rate of pressure, water is going EVERYWHERE. Down the stairs, into the loft, sideways, upways, all ways WATER.
Jacob shouts to me to go turn off the main water valve. GREAT IDEA! I run down the stairs, arms akimbo! Then I freeze and turn back to him:
“WHAT THE HELL IS A MAIN WATER VALVE?!”
Jacob yells that he’ll do it, if I could just hold back the GEYSER that is spouting out of our wall. Ok, great, I can do that! I run back upstairs, he runs down, and I attempt to put my finger over the hole in the pipe that he had drilled through.
For those who have no experience with indoor plumbing disasters let me tell you this:
Trying to stop a high pressure water leak by putting your finger over the hole is about as effective as a waterproof tea bag. Think about it, you’ll get it.
Jacob gets the water shut off. In all actuality water was spouting for maybe two minutes. But it soaked everything within 10 feet of the pipe. It was like a scene from a movie. There was unexpected drama, action, a sprinkling of curse words, and a very cute baby. Who was thankfully safely strapped into her bouncing seat as we had been watching a babysign dvd prior to the FLOOD.
Had I not been “picky” the screw that he accidentally screwed into the pipe would have stayed and a slow leak developed inside our wall. (And for those wondering, no he was not careless, the pipe was installed incorrectly, too close to the drywall.) Who knows how many days it would have taken for the water to soak through. It would have been a lot of money and time. And this was all the night before Easter when we had 16 people coming over the next day. FUN!
Luckily my husband is in fact the world’s handiest man EVER. He had never done plumbing repair yet figured it all out and our pipe is fixed and holding strong.
If only my life could be videotaped. I’d be sure win “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, EVERY week, for like 2 years in a row. Especially because while we were running around like lunatics trying to shut the water off the baby was sitting in her infant seat clapping and laughing, thinking this was such grand fun and could we do it again, with more water?