We used to have this old DVD player until recently. We had gotten it from a fellow classmate at BU who had asked Jacob and I to help her clean out her apartment so she could get out of her lease and take a new job. And we, being the
suckers, good seminary students, that we were, volunteered to help.
Sigh. We were so young and dumb. The place was a pit of just random stuff. We showed up the night before she had to leave thinking we would just be helping her finish packing and cleaning up the place. Not so much. There was stuff everywhere. CDs, DVDs, clothes, dishes, books, office supplies, furniture, food. Every room, filled with stuff. And it was summer and her AC did not work. OH. MY. GOD.
We worked until late in the night, and it still wasn’t done and she HAD to leave in the morning. So we came back, with trash bags, and cleaned it all out the next day by ourselves. In the midst of all this, as a thank you, she gave us a dvd/vcr player. It had been hers but she had no room to pack it in her car, which you can imagine, was loaded down with stuff.
So we took it and the VCR portion worked great. The DVD part however was touch and go. It was a bit temperamental. Sometimes it would play DVDs great, sometimes not at all, and most of the time it would play them and then freeze several times during the movie.
This led to us having to hit ‘pause’ on the remote, then un-pause it, to try to kick-start it again. We would have to do it up to ten times just to get the movie going again. And then it would freeze again, thirty seconds later.
And this drove Jacob CRAZY. He hated having his movie interrupted. I was actually very ‘Zen’ about it. I would just play around with the remote, try to get it to work, and if not, ‘oh well’. But Jacob would get into a movie and to then have it freeze and interrupt would make him bonkers. He was always wanting to buy a new one and I was always saying “no, this is fine, it’s not great, but we shouldn’t spend money on a new one right now.”
So about two months ago I caved and we got a cheap Wal-mart one. It works great.
About that time, two months ago, we started down a road of decision-making that would impact our future for the next few years. And one of those decisions was to no longer put off two things we had put on hold since we started infertility treatments.
For some time now we have known that Jacob needed to have a surgery. Nothing life threatening, but something that eventually needed to be taken care of. But the catch is we can not continue trying to get pregnant AND have Jacob get the surgery he needs. For a multitude of reasons, but one being cost of the surgery. Even with insurance there are always costs above and beyond. And while we could take out loans and pay for infertility treatments I can’t bring myself to do that. I feel it is a bit irresponsible. I know people who do it, but I can’t.
And so we are hitting ‘pause’, or rather life is freezing for us and we won’t be making any progress on having a kid for a while. And I find myself being very much NOT zen about this.
At first when we made the decision I was excited. It meant I could stop taking the evil Metformin and get my energy back. I could stop popping all the vitamins and antioxidants the doctors put me on. I could start running again and even have enough time to train for a half-marathon again. I could have a glass of wine again without risking my health.
But there is no getting around the fact that this also feels like the movie freezing and no amount of hitting buttons is going to get things started again. So instead I just angrily punch the buttons hoping for something to work. And when it doesn’t, I’m ok, but I’m not thrilled. I’m not gonna be all “Yay the movie is frozen, now I have extra time to clean out the garbage disposal!”
This pause could mean up to a year before trying to get pregnant again. Just typing that makes me want to break something. Because the alternative is sobbing like a 3-year-old in a time-out.
So am I looking forward to some of the things this ‘pause’ will allow us to do? Yes. But it’s not a great feeling. Yes I will get to run and train my body again. But I’d rather be gaining weight from being pregnant and asking Jacob to make a midnight run for whatever weird food I am craving.
But I am trying to embrace this. It’s not the ideal, but this ‘pause’ will be a relief to not constantly be thinking about, worrying about, hoping about, getting pregnant. Not that I won’t be thinking about it, but knowing there is NOTHING I can do to change things, I think that will free me to ‘let go’ a bit of all the trauma and stress of trying to pregnant.
And I can definitely do with less of that.