You can’t just ‘kinda’ like icecream

Ice cream is one of those things that you either love or hate.  You don’t just sorta like it, you love it.  You can either eat it for 3 meals or day, or you never really have a craving for it at all.  Right now you are all like ‘what the heck is she babbling about, tell us about the baby!’  I’m getting there, and the ice cream analogy has a point, I promise…

So it has been awhile since I have written a post.  And I was originally going to post more about our trip to Bermuda and how awesome it was.  But we have something even more awesome in our life right now.

Jacob and I received a call last week for a Foster placement.  It was for a newborn, so new she was still in NICU.  She was premature.  She is now the center of our world.  So if I don’t post as often from now on you know who to blame, the baby.

That’s right, blame the baby.  It’s all her fault.  All her fault that we have someone other than ourselves to care for.  All her fault a case of 3am hiccups from her only causes me to smile.  All her fault that I am sleep deprived but smiling like an idiot.

She has a name, but to protect her privacy her public name we call her is ‘Tess’.  Short for Teresa, after Mother Teresa who once said:

It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish”

It is a poverty to decide that a child must suffer so you can fulfill your wants.  Tess has suffered.  I wish I could share more details with you about her but we have confidentiality laws to follow.  She has the right to privacy, she has been through enough already.

We know very well that at any minute a judge could say that she will leave our home and go somewhere else.

We know.

But there is now way to ‘hold back’ love for a child.  You can’t ‘kinda’ love them.  You love them 100%, 24-7.  You can’t keep yourself from getting ‘too’ attached.  What she needs now is to bond with us and feel loved and secure.  I can’t soothe her and give her a kiss on her head but remind myself to not love her ‘too much’.

You can’t ‘kinda’ like ice cream.  And you can’t ‘kinda’ love a baby placed in your care just because you know she might be taken away.  Will it devastate me when/if she is taken away?  Yes.  But that means that this child will have benefitted from me giving her every ounce of love I had to give her.

It is especially emotional and joyous for us that we received a newborn.  Jacob and I have felt for some time now that we would like to have a family so we could share our love with another human being.  Sadly we have spent the last 6 months finding out from doctor after doctor that we are not able to naturally conceive.  We are struggling with infertility.


I have wanted to share this for quite some time.  But we kept being sent from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist.  Each time hoping for good news.  Our case is not hopeless, we are undergoing some treatments, but thus far no luck and we have been told that we have some significant hurdles to overcome.  It could be 3 months, it could be three years, until we are able to conceive.

So now, for the time being, we have a little tiny baby to care for and love.  To be the center of our world.

So again, if I don’t post as often from now on, blame Tess :).


4 responses to “You can’t just ‘kinda’ like icecream

  1. God works in mysterious ways….don’t be surprised if you end up pregnant!

  2. Man do you and Jacob have a way with words. I Love you blog and for a parent of a CRAZY toddler it really brings you back down. All my Love to you Jacob and Tess.

  3. Anna passed your blog onto me and I smiled beamingly as I read it, and teared up at the same time. My husband and I have not been able to conceive either. We adopted a sweet little girl at birth…and we LOVE ice cream…and the combination of the two is intertwined beautifully in your post. If you are interested in more of our story you can check out our blog…I have my e-mail posted on it as well so feel free to e-mail. What a beautiful blessing you are to this wonderful little girl.


  4. Pingback: I love your child… « Methodist in-Formation

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